6 Steps on How Not To Be an Ass at the Super Bowl Party
If you are a sports fan and you don’t know Chad Gibbs, you should go to his website now. And then you should buy his book Love thy Rival. It’s a funny and insightful look into the psyche of the American sports fan. Here’s a taste from his chapter on the rivalry between my beloved Chicago Bears and … that-team-from-green-bay-whose-name-shall-not-be-spoken-and-whose-city-shall-be-spelled-in-lower-case-because-it’s-not-really-even-a-city. Chad begins the chapter:
It’s fifteen degrees and a Bears fan walks past my car wearing only a T-shirt. This alone could be used as evidence to send him to an asylum for life, not to mention the fact that we are in Green Bay and his T-Shirt reads, “Jesus Hates the Packers.”
While I’m pretty sure that Jesus does hate the Packers, it’s also true that our devotion to our sports teams can be a *little* over the top. So, it’s in the spirit of Love thy Rival that I offer you this countdown of the 6 things to think about while watching the Super Bowl so you don’t make an ass out of yourself. Because I don’t want you to make an ass of yourself at the party. Really. I’m only thinking about you…
6. Don’t be fooled into thinking this is about the Super Bowl. Nah. As far as the head coaches are concerned, this has cosmic consequences that are bigger than even the Super Bowl…This is about the Harbaugh Family 4th of July Flag Football Game. Which brother is going to win the affections of Mr. Harbaugh and be his first pick on the 4th of July? That’s what this is really about. I mean, just look at the history of brother rivals. It’s never about the object. The fight is always about winning the affection of their dad. Of course, only one brother can win and so the other brother ends up feeling like…well, an ass. For example, the first brothers, Cain and Abel, had a pretty big falling out over God’s affections. (And we all know that God is the biggest Dad of them all.) In this story, Cain = Ass. Which, of course, leads us to the real question about the brother rivals that will be answered this Sunday. (Did you like that huge historical leap???) Who will win their dad’s affection and be the starting quarterback at the Harbaugh Family 4th of July Football Game? Because like the Harbaugh brothers we all want dad’s affection. Just don’t make an ass of yourself trying to get it at this year’s Super Bowl party.
5. You know that loud, drunk guy who jumps up and down at the Super Bowl party and at various moments runs up to the 60 inch television hoping to get a better view to determine whether or not that actually was a penalty? Yeah, don’t be that guy. He’s an ass.
4. Leave God out of the Super Bowl. That means don’t thank God or Jesus or even the Flying Spaghetti Monster after a Super Bowl win. I get that people want to show their faith and I admire that. Something about not hiding your light under under a bushel. But according to this Public Religion Research Institute poll, 27% of Americans believe God will determine the winner of the game. That’s bad theology and here’s why: God is not on the side of the winners of culture. God is on the side of the weak, marginalize, and the poor. Thanking God for a Super Bowl win reflects the god of “winners,” not the God of the cross.
3. Commercials are a holy and sacred time of silence. Please don’t be an ass. Shut up.
2. We at the Raven Foundation will obviously be rooting for the Baltimore Ravens. We just hope that after losing Jim won’t be an ass and go all Cain on his brother John.
1. In all things remember to love thy rival, even if he is an ass.
Oh, one last thing…If a photo of me shows up on Facebook where I appear to look like a loud, obnoxious ass at some Super Bowl party…it was photo shopped…I swear.