The Raven Foundation

The Christmas season is upon us and so is that classic parenting problem: the temper tantrum in the toy aisle of Walmart.  You know the scene: you are rushing to buy gifts for your nieces and nephews and your child decides he has to have some toy or other right now or he will die. Of course you say “no” – you are a smart parent who knows well enough that children aren’t the best judges of what they need, but your child is not going to take “no” for an answer. You explain, distract, offer him his favorite stuffed animal, all to no avail. Your child will not be soothed and you feel the eyes of judgment focused mercilessly on you as other parents with their well-behaved children coldly steer around you. To end the humiliation, you give in and buy the toy. We all know what happens next, don’t we? Maybe the next day, or maybe when you get home, maybe as soon as your darling is buckled into his car seat, the must-have-or-I-will-die toy loses its fascination and you begin to metaphorically kick yourself for being a failure as a parent.

Okay, not a pretty picture, but all parents have been there and there’s no point in beating ourselves up about it. Stuff happens. So let’s take a more constructive look at this scene and ask the big question: What is going on with this child? Why all the drama for the toy? If we understand desire as springing from within us then the toy actually does represent something that he truly, desperately, inconsolably wants. Despite being aware that advertisements geared toward children have a strong influence on their desires, that kids want what their friends and older siblings have, we still default to a deeper belief that a child’s desires arise from within his little self. But if that picture of desire is true, how do we explain how quickly the desire fades away? We might say that it faded as quickly as it arose, but that still begs the question of where it came from in the first place. If the desire is an intrinsic part of the child’s self, then it should have a bit more staying power, shouldn’t it?

A closer look at the temper tantrum reveals that what is on display is not passion for the toy – it is a display of passion itself. What your child is demonstrating is the power of his desiring muscles. They are intensely, immensely strong in children and when they get attached to an object, that object is elevated to a position of incredible value by the power of the desire itself. Unfortunately for you, your child’s desire just happened to latch on to this random object in the toy aisle, but let’s be clear: the object doesn’t matter. Remember the old Clinton presidential campaign slogan “It’s the economy, stupid”? That was a great slogan to keep the campaign from getting distracted by things that didn’t matter. Well, in our scenario the toy is the distraction and understanding desire is the key to a successful (parenting) campaign.

So here’s what I suggest: First, keep your sense of humor. The child flailing around in the toy aisle with sobs that rival Rachel weeping for her children is a total hoot! No one should fall for the drama, and believe me when I tell you, your child doesn’t believe it either. That is unless you give in. If you do, you send the message that he was right, the toy WAS necessary for life because if it wasn’t you wouldn’t have given in, right? You are the adult and are supposed to know better. So what do you think it does to his trust in you when his desire fizzles? A few incidents don’t cause much harm, but if you repeat a pattern over time of reinforcing the child’s sense that the object matters, then he will learn to seek fulfillment through possession of objects. And learn it he will because desire itself doesn’t learn. No amount of fizzled fascination will ever teach desire that the object wasn’t all that important. Desire just desires endlessly. Learning what to do with our desire, when to trust it and when to discipline it; when to follow its lead and when to deny its provocations – that’s what growing up is all about and that’s what parents are supposed to teach their children.

So the next time this happens to you – and it will – have a good laugh right there in Walmart. Treat that temper tantrum like the really funny game of dress up that it is. Because the truth is your child is trying on a desire that doesn’t fit very well and makes him look a little ridiculous, so be sure you get the joke. That will release a lot of tension and may be enough to diffuse the tantrum. If your little imp has whipped himself up into such a frenzy that he doesn’t notice your shift in attitude, well, you may have to put off your Walmart shopping spree and exit the store for now. Be consoled that you will be leaving with a healthier parent-child bond, and that’s something even Walmart doesn’t stock on its shelves.