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There\u2019s a mysterious story in Genesis about a man named Jacob who found himself wrestling all night by the Jabbok River<\/a>. The darkness obscured the one with whom he wrestled. Jacob\u2019s adversary put his hip out of joint, but Jacob persevered and demanded a blessing. When it was over, Jacob knew that he had seen God face to face and lived.<\/p>\n Our internal conflicts are often Jacob-in-the-Jabbok experiences. Though they feel like they\u2019re ripping us apart from the inside-out when we\u2019re in the midst of them, they often turn out to be blessings in disguise.<\/p>\n I love this story for the way it helps me frame my faith journey, the way it gives form to the abstract anxieties and surprising graces that have come through my personal struggles.<\/p>\n Internal conflicts can be the hardest to endure because they feel so isolating, raging within us where no one can see. But having internal conflicts is a universal human experience. Chances are, there is a story out there that parallels the challenges we face within ourselves. Stories that reflect the fears and hopes of our hearts and souls remind us that we are not alone and give us a lens through which we might more clearly understand who we are and what we should do.<\/p>\n For me, that story is Jacob wrestling in the Jabbok. The metaphor of wrestling with God in the depths of doubt and currents of confusion resonates so strongly with me. Internal conflict in the context of my faith journey has felt like a tug of war with my soul. And as we wrap up our theme of “Conflict” at Raven, I want to reflect on that journey through the lens of this sacred story.<\/p>\n You have your own unique internal conflicts to navigate. The forces that tug within us come from many directions, from our relationships and circumstances and experiences. But ultimately, they come down to figuring out how to live into the people we are meant to be, how to bear Love to the world. I hope reflecting on my journey can help you on your own. Here are three things to keep in mind as we go:<\/p>\n [\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_section el_class=”post-quote”][vc_row css=”.vc_custom_1566306295282{background-image: url(https:\/\/ravenfoundation.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/06\/0c0caab3a0b06f49d1f4e4069f7acecc-e1562958862845.jpg?id=19638) !important;}”][vc_column][vc_column_text css_animation=”none” el_class=”quote”]Having internal conflicts is a universal human experience.[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][\/vc_section][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]<\/p>\n [\/vc_column_text][vc_empty_space][vc_column_text]I didn\u2019t find my story; my story found me.<\/em><\/p>\n Jacob in the Jabbok has been the guiding narrative of my faith journey ever since it was the theme for my confirmation into my church at 13. I wouldn\u2019t necessarily have looked in the Bible for a guide through my anxieties, as it was largely violence within the Bible that was at the heart of my anxieties to begin with! And the story of Jacob wrestling\u00a0<\/em>with God somewhat reinforced my fear of a violent God. Nevertheless, Jacob\u2019s trials resonated with me as I was waist-deep in the waters of my spiritual struggle, longing for the shelter.<\/p>\n I learned about Jacob\u2019s story when I was literally crossing a river, but his story doesn\u2019t begin there, and neither does mine.<\/p>\n Jacob\u2019s story was meaningful to me as the theme of my church confirmation because I loved my church. I wanted a strong faith, and I wanted a home for it in the church where I felt a palpable bond with my mother and had made the strongest friendships of my childhood. Even before my confirmation, the church was a critical landmark in my sense of identity.<\/p>\n But I had doubts and fears.<\/a> While my church taught that all love came from God, my father, the most loving man I knew, didn\u2019t believe in God at all. Some of his reasons for atheism became my reasons for confusion and concern. The moral atrocity of trying to wrap my head around being saved from fiery damnation by faith in the gruesome murder of God-in-flesh\u2026 that was beyond my heart\u2019s capacity to bear.[\/vc_column_text][vc_empty_space height=”16px”][vc_row_inner][vc_column_inner width=”1\/2″][vc_single_image image=”20685″ img_size=”full” alignment=”right”][\/vc_column_inner][vc_column_inner width=”1\/2″][vc_empty_space height=”16px”][vc_column_text]So as I stood at the river\u2019s edge, listening to my pastor tell Jacob\u2019s story, part of me felt like I was on my way home while another part of me wondered what in the world I was getting myself into.<\/p>\n Jacob brought his fears to the riverside. He was about to meet his brother Esau, whom he had cheated out of birthright<\/a> and blessing<\/a>. He feared his brother would kill him. So he was grappling with that anxiety when he wrestled in the river. Maybe, like me, Jacob feared an exclusive, punishing God. The blessings he had received in his lifetime had come at the expense of someone else, so perhaps he saw a God who blessed some through cursing others. Perhaps he feared his curse was finally on its way.<\/p>\n Jacob\u2019s wrestling is his confrontation with the anxieties within himself, tangled up in familial estrangements and a limited understanding of God and blessing. Though my journey looks almost nothing like his, all the elements are there. I feared a God I saw as exclusive as well as alienation from my family, friends, and church.<\/p>\n Jacob had a lot to learn as he wrestled his way through that river, and so did I.[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column_inner][\/vc_row_inner][vc_empty_space height=”16px”][vc_column_text]<\/p>\n Wrestling can be painful.<\/p>\n In the fog of twists and turns, it can be difficult to see who you are wrestling with.<\/p>\n And if we live in fear, we might not even notice the blessings along the way.<\/p>\n At first, I wrestled with whether I could believe in God at all, torn between my love for my Christian family and my fears of an exclusive God. I clung to the hope that God was more loving than I could imagine even as my doubts plagued me.<\/p>\n I was confirmed into my church and blessed with insights into God\u2019s love. But my struggles didn\u2019t end.<\/p>\n Later, I unexpectedly wrestled with whether or not Christianity was my true path to God. I grew in friendship with a beautiful Muslim girl who became a sister to me. I was moved by her deep faith, which held the beauty of Christianity without the fear. No messy Trinity, no murderous cross\u2026 even the possibility of salvation for some non-Muslims according to the will of God!<\/p>\n I eventually converted to Islam<\/a> and was blessed with warm welcome into my friend’s family and the world-wide ummah<\/a>. I learned and grew so much. But my struggles didn\u2019t end.<\/p>\n In college, I wrestled with how to keep my newborn faith even as I began to question the teachings of Islam and the questions of my Christian past returned.<\/p>\n I was blessed to hold on to the beauty of Islam even as I felt some of my faith slipping away. I was blessed to find Christian friends who renewed the questions of my youth and helped me interpret Christianity in a kinder light.<\/p>\n But even in the midst of my blessings, I struggled. Though I found my faith in Islam waning and my Christian faith returning, I was reluctant to let go of my Muslim identity. I still loved my friends and was grateful for all they had taught me. And after 9\/11, I worried that letting go of Islam would betray my Muslim friends when they needed solidarity more than ever. Personal and political conundrums clashed with theological questions as I found myself thrashing around in the river once again.<\/p>\n Each time I thought I had put the river behind me, I continued to struggle.<\/p>\n And each time I struggled, I felt like my identity, the understanding of family and friends, and eternity itself, hung in the balance.<\/p>\n But God was wrestling too. And that meant Love was slowly casting out fear.[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_section][vc_row css=”.vc_custom_1566393555121{background-color: #f6ebdf !important;}” el_class=”optin”][vc_column][vc_column_text css_animation=”none”][\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][\/vc_section][vc_row][vc_column][vc_row_inner][vc_column_inner][vc_column_text]<\/p>\n [\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column_inner][\/vc_row_inner][vc_empty_space][vc_column_text]Over and over I returned to the river to wrestle with my fears and hopes surrounding God, and the real God \u2013 Love \u2013 met me every time.[\/vc_column_text][vc_empty_space height=”16px”][vc_row_inner][vc_column_inner width=”1\/2″][vc_column_text]I thought I was wrestling with whether or what to believe. I thought I was struggling with a choice between Christianity and Islam, on the premise that there was a right path to God and all others must be wrong.<\/p>\n Yet, ultimately, I was struggling with how to honor the plurality of traditions and understandings that influenced me.<\/p>\n The biggest conflict within me was learning how to transform my lens of conflict into communion.<\/p>\n The struggle itself was a blessing that opened me to the realization that God is Love. Even rejecting the God of scripture because of violence is placing faith in Love. But there are loving interpretations of scripture, of the Bible and the Qur\u2019an and all others. If I hadn\u2019t persevered in that river, I might never have found them. I learned, step by sometimes painful step.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve often wondered why a loving God broke Jacob\u2019s hip as they wrestled, and I\u2019ve never been sure of an answer. But here\u2019s what I now think: When we are heading in the wrong direction, God turns us bit by bit. Perhaps Jacob\u2019s hip was put out of joint because the rest of his body and mind and heart had yet to catch up with the piece of his body that God turned.[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column_inner][vc_column_inner width=”1\/2″][vc_empty_space height=”16px”][vc_single_image image=”20686″ img_size=”large” alignment=”center”][\/vc_column_inner][\/vc_row_inner][vc_empty_space height=”16px”][vc_column_text]Because while there is beauty in every faith, there are still many ways to get God wrong. Exclusive salvation, condemnation of others\u2026 the things I feared most\u2026 are wrong. God worked through friends and family of all faiths and no faiths at all to turn me from my fears. All the time I thought I was alone in my doubts\u2026 I was never truly alone.<\/p>\n\n
Jacob\u2019s Story and Mine<\/h3>\n
Wrestling In The River<\/h3>\n
Blessings Upon Blessings<\/h3>\n